There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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