If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
