Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
