My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
