dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
