I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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