I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
