dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
