Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
These tits shall not be calmed
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
