i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
