Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
