i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
