Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
