i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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