sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
