News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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