Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
