I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
