giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
