There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
