Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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