she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
