I'm going to jail i love you
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Randomize
