I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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