when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
