dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
