life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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