and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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