Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
