Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
