I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
