im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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