some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
