The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
