We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just gargled with NyQuil
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
there is puke in my bra ... again
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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