She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
