the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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