I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
