Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
