Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
