just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Is Oprah even human
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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