Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
