she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
