You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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