You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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