i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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