I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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