Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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