apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
