I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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