well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I need water and some morals
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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