my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
